I'm not falling. I'm not teetering. I'm stable. I'm me.
I talked to my mom for a long time tonight, really talked.
I hate when my mother makes me think. She talked about me, that always makes me uncomfortable. She told me I'm intense. She told me that I am opinionated and that I'm independent and that I know who I am. I don't need a guy to make me realize who I am, and I don't need to change myself to get a guy. I don't need a boy or a relationship to make me feel complete. She's right. I don't need anybody. I am independent. Though just because I'm independent and thus not dependent, that doesn't mean I don't depend on people. I have my friends, my close, in it for good friends and I depend on them. I have my tiny bunch of "best friends"...my go-tos. I have each of them for different reasons, I have all of my friends for different reasons. I want them in my life. I realized why when my friends hurt me, they really hurt me. Its because i let them in. If I care about them enough, I'll let them in. I don't let many people in, I don't like feeling vulnerable. I enjoy being an enigma, observing those I don't let inside my walls. I like observing, I can't hurt if I just watch. When I do let somebody in, they're in for good. I want them in for good. I'm independent. i really am. But I still depend on people...I don't need anybody... but i do. I have high walls, I hide behind huge protective walls that I built myself and I'm really not sure why. I don't know why I constructed such a barrier hiding my life, why I think what is hidden behind the walls is so valuable and treasured, but I made the walls. That's why it hurts so much when I get hurt from the inside...because I let them in. I opened the gates and let them behind my really high walls. If somebody's willing to put in the effort to attempt to tackle the walls, then they might just be worth it. I hate being vulnerable. When somebody on the inside--on my inside--hurts me, it hurts. A lot. I also realized I have all my friends flaws, that's probably why I accept them for being just who they are. I'm like Chris in that I expect so much from people. I'm like Kristina in that I judge people and dont think I need anybody to catch me when i'm falling. I'm like Abby in that when even though I realize something isnt necessarily right, i dont let it stay wrong... for too long. I'm like Joey in that I put all of myself into things i care about, regardless of what i push aside. I'm like Bryce in that i think what i'll think and at times ignore my filter. I dont know...i guess thats why I'm still there for them. Why I accept their ridiculousness and their flaws. Why I see them for more than their flaws...because without their flaws, I'm less a part of them. My friends teeter on the brink of identity and insanity...I like that wording. Sometimes it makes me love them even more, and other times it scares me. I guess it's because I'm an observer. I like to watch and think what I do doesn't affect people, but it does. I don't intend on stating my opinion less, or silencing my thoughts to appease other people or make their lives easier. So ya, I may be stubborn and opinionated and independent, but that's me. I'm not changing who I am for others. Take me or leave me, I'm still me. I guess I just like to be liked and noticed for being me...just the way I am. "When a guy gets you, he'll get all of you. And want all of you." Sometimes mommy is wise. It's annoying. I guess right now I just live and wait for somebody to notice my life and the way I live it. I know who I am...or at least I know who I'm not.
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